Real Estate Marketing As it gets harder and harder for Realtors to get buyers through the door of their listings, descriptions of properties get, shall we say, more and more liberal with their meaning. So, to that end I thought I would help those buyers out there who want to cut through the beautiful clutter of real estate marketing so they can find their “magnificent estate, confident in its chiseled beauty and global in its attitude”. Or, “a stinky fixer-upper that smells like money”.

Cozy – 650 square feet
Charming – see Cozy
Great Bones – tear everything down to the studs
Motivated Seller – has been on the market for 2 years
This won’t last! – soon to be a motivated seller
Fixer Upper – put your hazmat suit on before you go in.
Easy Access to 400 – it runs right behind your fence.
Great Privacy – the house sits 50′ below grade, you’ll only see the roof on the approach.
Beautiful Wooded Lot – there won’t be enough grass for your Pekinese to poop on.
Seller Says Sell! – They are getting close to the right list price
Close to Shopping – home backs up to shopping center
Upgraded Kitchen – original 1970′s cabinets with granite counters
Rustic Charmer – drafty
Diamond in the Rough – hasn’t been updated since avocado appliances were in style
Charming Stream – ditch with mud after it rains
Mountain Retreat – driveway has a 45 deg incline
New Hardwoods – May actually be hardwoods, or engineered flooring or laminate with a wood grain pattern.
Bring Your Horses – and your chainsaw for the 5 acres of pine trees
Quaint Cottage – slightly larger than a shed from Home Depot
Basement awaits your finishing touch – if “finishing touch” means everything